Open Letter to the Completely Stoned Guy I Saw at Toys R Us

highsanta.jpgKudos to you, sir.

A lot of us get stressed out during the holidays, especially when we’re shopping for our families. That stress causes us to do non-Christmas-y things like act rude or discourteous to complete strangers while at the store. Or worse.

You decided that you would maintain the holiday spirit the only way you know how: by going to Toys R Us high as a kite. That takes no small amount of courage. No, wait, courage isn’t the word I’m looking for. What is it? Oh yes: immaturity. Still, bravo!

I also applaud you for making sure no one could mistake you for a sober person. Nope, when you packed that bowl before leaving the house, you wanted strangers to spot your glazed, heavy-lidded Stoner Stare from 50 yards away. You also, apparently, wanted the air around you to have the acrid stench of Willie Nelson’s rec room carpet.

I should probably congratulate you just for remembering that it’s Christmas. You look like the kind of guy who forgets to to do things because they’re just too “heavy”. Like showing up for work on time, or paying the rent.

And I don’t envy what you’ll tell your kids when they open their gifts and they ask you about that funny smell. Will say that reek is Santa’s Magic Christmas Dust? Or will you go smoke up again because you can’t handle your children giving you a big plastic hassle?

Happy Holidays, Stoned Man. I hope Santa Claus brings you that 12-foot dragon-covered bong you want. And if you’re really lucky, maybe he’ll leave behind some handy stocking stuffers. Like dignity, and self-respect.