GIRL 1: Ooh, Jen’s texting us from her big date.
GIRL 2: He brought her roses!
GIRL 1: That’s sweet! So anyway, my supervisor is such a bitch! She’s always giving me a hard time about…oh, it’s Jen again.
GIRL 2: Did something happen?
GIRL 1: No, she just wanted me to know that he took her to Chez Francois.
GIRL 2: That sounds like a made-up name for a French restaurant.
GIRL 1: Totally. So anyway, my supervisor…oh, for fuck’s sake, what now?!
GIRL 2: Just turn your phone off.
GIRL 1: You don’t know this broad. She will totally call me to make sure I got all of her riveting text messages. And then she’ll tell me the exact same things that are in her text messages. She’s nuts.
GIRL 2: So what happened now–he ordered her a fake French steak or something?
GIRL 1: No, he went to Jared.
GIRL 2: Jared? Isn’t that the place at the mall?
GIRL 1: Yeah. This guy I was seeing for, like, a minute got me a bracelet from Jared once. Turned my hand green for a week. Oh shit, now she’s calling me.
GIRL 2: Bitch, we know all about your stupid boyfriend. We’re out at the club trying to get our drink on. Stop fucking texting us!
GIRL 1: Hello? Hi, Jen…Yes, he does sound wonderful. /makes jerkoff motion with left hand/ No, I’m not doing that…No, I’m taking a picture of us and sending it to you with a caption that says “Do you have brothers”?…Can you what?…You wanna take a picture you have of us on your cell phone and send it to yourself with that message? You realize you sound insane, right?…Fine, if you wanna go ahead and do that, I can’t stop you…I gotta go. Bye.
GIRL 2: What is her problem?
GIRL 1: You don’t even know. I’ve heard some crazy, crazy shit about her.
Meanwhile, at Chez Francois.
GIRLFRIEND: It’s for you, darling!
BOYFRIEND: “Do you have brothers?” I don’t get it.
GIRLFRIEND: It’s like, you’re so great they wanna date someone like you.
BOYFRIEND: Because you’ve been giving them a blow-by-blow account of our date?
GIRLFRIEND: I dunno, maybe…
BOYFRIEND: Jesus H. Christ, every time I take you out, you do this! I wanna spend some alone time with you, and you’re texting your friends all fucking night!
GIRLFRIEND: Not all night. I mean, most of the night sure, but not all night…
BOYFRIEND: You’re texting right now!
GIRLFRIEND: Um, no I’m not…
BOYFRIEND: I see the muscles in your arm twitching, and you keep looking at your right hand, which is under the table for some reason.
GIRLFRIEND: I just had to let Kim and Karen know about our fight.
BOYFRIEND: That’s it, I’m done with this. /throws napkin on table, storms out
GIRLFRIEND: /sobs uncontrollably from one eye, keeps other one trained on cell phone screen
It can only be Jared!