Hey, Derek! It’s-a me, Mario! Whassamatta for you with these-a comments in-a the newspaper? People say these-a advanced metrics show you can’t play-a the shortstop no more, and whatta you say? “I don’t know. I don’t play video games.”
This makes-a the Mario very sad. Why you gotta tell-a the lies? Mario remembers you used to come home from-a school everyday and play with him. You used to blow in Mario’s cartridge when-a he wasn’t working right. You even did-a that thing with the Q-tip and the alcohol, even though you knew it didn’t-a work.
And you used to play with all of Mario’s friends, too. Samus, Kid Icarus, Simon Belmont, those two meatheads from-a the Bad Dudes. We all had such a great time together! Why you turn-a your back on us? You think playing the video games makes you a nerd? You think it’s-a something you outgrew now that you’re such a big shot, playing the baseball with-a your fancy buddies?
Maybe you so-a defensive because you really are a nerd! Mario remembers you getting a subscription to-a Nintendo Power every year for-a your birthday. You filled in all-a the blank squares on your Legend of Zelda map! You memorized all-a the fatalities in Mortal Kombat! You used to have-a the poster for Maniac Mansion taped to-a your wall! You beat Final Fantasy III in 10 days and bragged to your friends at school about it!
You had-a the TurboGrafx 16. Nobody had-a the TurboGrafx 16!
Mario even has a picture of you playing the video games with-a your good friend Tiger Woods. Take a good look, Derek. Try and deny me again after you see-a this!
I am so angry at-a you right now! I feel just as-a small as I hit by a hammer thrown by a jumping turtle! Your betrayal, she hits me in my soul, burning me up like a flaming barrel!
Alla you old friends is-a mad at you too, like-a the Donkey Kong. I remember you used play-a the Donkey Kong Country all day long, and now you stab-a that poor monkey in the back. Go ahead, Donkey Kong, tell-a him how you feel.
[Donkey Kong and all permutations of the phrase Donkey Kong, images of the character Donkey Kong, and any other likeness in a medium now existing or yet to be developed are the exclusive property of Nintendo of America, and any unauthorized use of Donkey Kong in any form even in the form of a dumb catch phrase, will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law]