So now da Mets have officially made Sandy Alderson deir new general manager. I’ve been saying dis is gonna happen for months now. I’ve been sayin dis was gonna happen before dey even hired Omah Minaya. Dat’s how good my sawces are, okay?
I know some a you Mets fans are a little nervous, thinkin this is just ownaship sellin you a bill a goods again. Luckily, I’m here to sniff out the truth. I’m probably the biggest crusader for transparency and honesty since Edward R. Murrow. And I barely know who dat is!
So joinin me on the phone right now is da new GM of the New York Mets, Sandy Alderson. Sandy, you’re on New Yawk’s numbah one.
Number one what?
Take your pick. I got three numbah ones, Sandy. Maybe da Wilpons didn’t tell you dat yet, but that’s one a da first things you gotta learn in dis town.
Thank you for teaching me.
No problem. First thing’s first. Some people have called you a wizard. So my question to you is, Are you a shape shiftah?
No Mike, I think “wizard” is a figure of speech. I do not actually dabble in the black arts.
Good to know. One of my listeners also said dat you may have been born in Kenya. Any truth to dat?
Your biggest claim to fame is bein a stat guy. Relyin on numbahs. Crunchin da data. Gatherin facts and makin determinations based on dem. Have you ever seen an actual baseball game?
Yes, Mike. Thousands.
Because in my experience, science and sports don’t mix. No one has ever won a game usin spreadsheets and calculus and fax machines.
Maybe not during the game, but I feel advanced analysis can help with planning a roster and a lineup, not to mention with scouting and development at the minor league…
Yeah yeah yeah. Listen, Sandy, I don’t like things dat make my job harder, and math is definitely in dat category. If I wanted to do a buncha math every time I went to work, I woulda gone into whatevah line a work requires math.
We’ll have to agree to disagree on that point, Mike.
I heard you might be interested in hiring J.P. Ricciardi and Paul DePodesta for da Mets front office. Are tryin to build some sorta robot-nerd army? If so, will they be equipped with lasers or standard armaments?
I am not interested in forming any sort of paramilitary force, robot or otherwise.
Sandy, I have to ask you this, because many writers and callers have brought it up. Your Oakland teams had a few steroid guys on them, namely McGwiyah and Canseco. Do you feel responsible for ruining baseball?
Mike, certain players I drafted for Oakland made the choice to do steroids, and I’m sure many GMs could say the same thing. I’m not proud of that, but I don’t think it’s fair blame me for that, either.
So you’re not gonna apologize?
Would you ask Brian Cashman to apologize?
For Roger Clemens. And Andy Pettitte. And Jason Giambi. And Garry Sheffield and David Justice and Chuck Knoblauch and Mike Stanton, to name just a few.
But Sandy, the big difference is Cashman used all those guys to win four World Series in five years, and your teams only won a single championship.
Well, I’m definitely sorry we only won once.
Apology accepted. Sandy, I appreciate you bein on New Yawk’s numbah one and answering all of my tough questions. You seem like a classy guy and it’ll be a pleasure coverin you as you try to rebuild dis franchise from da ground up.
Okay, when we come back, I’ll spend the next two hours pickin apart all of Alderson’s answers and blastin him in a way I didn’t have da balls to do to his face. But first, 25 minutes of me slowly readin outta da Daily News and talkin about horse racin. Back aftah dis.