NFL Week 9 Picks by Karl Rove

rove.jpgI finished up my year of NFL picks at MSN Sports Filter on a decidedly sour note. Two bad weeks in a row; my week 8 tallies were 7-7 win/loss, 6-8 points. That showing brought my tally on the season to:

Win/Loss: 77-36
Points: 57-56

Obviously, I need some high-powered help. So this week, is pleased to welcome a guest handicapper for our NFL picks. You may remember him from such unbridled successes as “the Valerie Plame scandal”, “the Mark Foley cover up” and “you forgot Poland”. Here’s Republican strategist/pork vacuum Karl “Turdblossom” Rove.

Atlanta at Detroit: A good solid red state versus a city full of, um, traditional Democrat voters. Try and guess who I’m picking! I don’t know if Michael Vick will continue his chuck-tastic ways, but it won’t matter much against the toothless Lions. I know Vick’s a lefty, but I forgive him. Atlanta by 8.

Miami at Chicago: Believe me, I’d love to pick the Dolphins–we all owe the near-sighted octogenarians of Broward County for my boss’s “victory” in 2000. Loyalty despite demonstrated incompetence will get you far in this administration, but not with your football picks. Chicago by 10.

Green Bay at Buffalo: After a start that could be charitably described as “putrid,” the Packers have been looking pretty solid these past two weeks. Plus, that Brett Favre is a true American hero. His home got destroyed by Katrina and I didn’t hear him whining about getting no government handouts. You’re doing a heck of a job, Bretty. Green Bay by 6.

Cincinnati at Baltimore: I’m still not sure why the Ravens fired Jim Fassell; where I work, if you fuck up real bad, you get a promotion or a medal. Regardless, Baltimore seems to have found themselves a bit. Plus, I can’t stomach a team that harbors the bi-lingual likes of Ocho-Cinco in its midst, not with porous borders threatening our freedom. Chad Johnson wants to take your jobs and marry your daughters–remember that on Election Day, folks! Baltimore by 4.

Dallas at Washington: DC is a town full of mindless, bloated bureaucrats, handing out checks to lazy people who expect a big payday for absolutely no work. And that’s just the Redskins. If Dan Snyder was determined to piss away his money, I could’ve directed his attention to a few Republican candidates. At least they would’ve wasted his cash on some horribly inappropriate campaign commercials. Dallas by 6.

New Orleans at Tampa Bay: See, the Saints have been able to pick themselves and dust themselves off! I don’t know what all you other hurricane victims are complaining about. All you have to do is pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. Or get several hundred million dollars to repair your already outdated stadium. You know, whatever. New Orleans by 5.

Kansas City at St. Louis: You gotta love the Chiefs’ running game against the Rams’ defense. Truth be told, I’m always pulling for the Chiefs–casino money’s been good to my party, if you know what I’m saying. Kansas City by 4.

Houston at Giants: New York is hopeless, full of all manner of un-American types and unions and minorities and terrorist-lovin’ tree huggers. Not quite as hopeless as the Texans, though. Giants by 9.

Tennessee at Jacksonville: Byron Leftwich is getting benched, and he ain’t happy about it. I wouldn’t be, either. If something isn’t working, the best course of action is to keep doing it, because of course everything will work out okay somehow. My boss taught me that. That kind of rational thinking just might cost you the game, buddy. Tennessee by 3.

Minnesota at San Francisco: You know I can’t root for San Francisco, and I think you know why. Yeah, you know exactly what I mean: They’re a horrible football team. Minnesota at 6.

Cleveland at San Diego: The Browns mighta stolen one last week, but there ain’t nothing wrong with that. Believe me, I wouldn’t have a job if it wasn’t for some highly placed “officials” making a “judgment call”. But even the Supreme Court can’t rescue the Browns this week. San Diego by 9.

Denver at Pittsburgh: Everyone should just leave Ben Roethlisberger alone. Sure, he could very well have post-concussion syndrome, maybe even brain damage. But he’s the leader of that Steeler team, and the players have to follow his orders, no matter how utterly insane and scrambled they might seem. I know a little something about obeying an addled mind, trust me. Denver by 6.

Indianapolis at New England: Me and the boss are gonna catch this one together on Sunday night. I love watching a game with the boss. He throws popcorn at my head and yells at me to bring him more O’Douls from the fridge. Every now and then he even asks how that whole Iraq thing is going, but I’ve been given orders not to say anything about it to him. He just looks so damn happy, I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s, um, all going swimmingly! The dead-enders are on the run! Freedom is on the march!

This is all my roundabout way of saying this damn game’s a toss-up. Indy’s defense is nowhere near as good as it was last year, but I think Manning’s better in a shootout than Brady would be. I guess you gotta go with the proven winner. Remember that next Tuesday, folks! New England by 3.

Oakland at Seattle (Monday): I expect this one to be a dog, over by the end of the first quarter. Hopefully, it’s so boring that everyone sleeps in on Tuesday, gets distracted with around-the-house stuff, and forgets how mad they are at my boss, so they don’t go out and vote. America’s counting on you, Oakland. Seattle by 9.