Dane Cook: There Are Several Failed Oc-TOW-bers

danecook.jpgJune 30, 2007

You know what’s brewin’ in Milwaukee? The Milwaukee Brewers,
broseph! They got the choice hops of Prince Fielder, the finely toasted barley of J.J. Hardy, and the exquisite sour mash of Ryan Braun. There’s gonna be no hangover for the Brewers this year, Soda Popinski! These guys are goin’ on a bender–all the way to the World Series. *pop*

/dumb hand gesture

After All-Star break, Brewers lose Ben Sheets, Ned Yost mismanages the bullpen, a promising season goes down the tubes as Milwaukee falls 2 games shy of the NL Central title.

August 1, 2007

Never mind that, bro-ha-ha. ‘Cause the rime of the ancient mariner is ringin’ out in Seattle! And it rhymes with “postseason”. Ichiro! Sexson! Vidro! They even got a reliever named Putz! That’s awesome! No albatross around their necks, ya heard? They’re paddling their way upstream, all the way to a wild card berth, Mother Brain! *pop*

Mariners lose 15 of 17 in late August/early September. Coinciding with the Yankee’s surge, Seattle’s slide virtually eliminates them from playoff contention.

September 3, 2007

Okay, my last couple didn’t work out so great, tight bros from way back. But that’s because you haven’t met the Mets yet! Nothin’ wrong with David Wright! Jose Reyes the roof! Carlos Beltran is, um, a pretty good player! The rest of the National League don’t wanna meet the Mets, Fist of the North Star, you feel me? *pop*

Mets go on historic collapse, pissing away a 7-game lead with 17 games to play, finish one game behind the Phillies in the NL East.

October 23, 2007

Look, bro-logna sandwich on rye with mustard. Major League Baseball picked me to be the official postseason spokesman for a reason. It’s because I know what it takes to be a winner. I built up my stand-up empire through tireless touring, internet self-promotion, and idiotic hand signals and mouth noises. *pop* It ain’t my fault that all the teams I did commercials for earlier in the year went straight to toilet town. You think I wanted to do a
commercial for the friggin’ Diamondbacks? Even I can’t stand Eric Byrnes.

/does the worm on a stool

I’m not gonna let these losers drag me down, Cliff Huxtable. Dane Cook is gonna stay on top forever, just like slap bracelets and Patrick Swayze. You just watch, Ben Fong Torres–the Cookster is never goin’ down!

Next Dane Cook album, Wild Flailing in G Minor, sells 12
copies, sequel to
Employee of the Month straight to video, eventual comeback via
celebrity dance competition widely mocked.