2010 NFC North Preview, with Michelle Bachmann

With the NFL season about to kickoff, Scratchbomb has asked a few luminaries to give us their takes on the upcoming football season. Next up, the Republican representative for Minnesota’s 6th Congressional district, Michelle Bachmann.

bachmann.jpgI’m so excited for the NFL season to start up again. Football is the great American pastime, because it has so many of the things that made this country great, like helmets and shoving. Granted, I’m not a big fan of its socialist salary caps, but I do like the fact that ungrateful employees can be cut at a moment’s notice with no consequences at all. Someday I hope to bring that kind of forward-thinking right-to-work-ism to the great state of Minnesota!

It was very disappointing to watch the Vikings lose last year’s NFC championship game to the Saints. I thought for sure Minnesota would triumph over a city like New Orleans, which had the nerve to say we didn’t respond to Hurricane Katrina quickly enough after we gave them all that surplus food and government trailers, and even let them crash at the Superdome for a coupla days. I swear, you give some people several hundred inches of water and they’ll take a mile!

These people could learn a lot from Brett Favre, a man who got to where he is from hard work and perseverance and good ol’ hard work. He didn’t ask for any handouts, no siree Bob! All Brett needs is an entire off season to decide if he wants to play or not, and if so, for which team. And of course, he needs a team with a good supporting cast like the Vikings have. A supporting cast that will say “Okay Brett, just take yer time there,” and be okay with not knowing exactly who they should take in the draft.

Brett can’t do it alone, of course. He’s got Adrian Peterson, who’s not only the best running backs in the whole sport, but has a fine, solid Scandinavian name despite being a Black! And Percy Harvin is quite the wide receiver, even if he has a name that sounds kind of womany. But better a womany first name than a Muslim-y first name, like a certain commander-in-chief who shall remain nameless. (Here’s a hint: it rhymes with “Barack”.)

I look up and down this division, and I don’t see another team that has the kind of all-American sticktoit-ivity of Brett Favre. Jay Cutler whined his way out of Denver, but now he’s getting his comeuppance: he has to QB a crummy team like the Bears. That’s what the Chinese call “kar-ma”.

Aaron Rodgers had a good year for Green Bay, but you can’t trust a man with a mustache like that. A clean upper lip means a clean mind! That’s exactly why Obama is clean shaven–he wants us to think he’s on our side. There’s no other explanation!

As for Detroit, they’re getting exactly what they deserve after handing an entire industry over to the evil clutches of labor unions. That’s right–consequence-free bailout money. And also Matt Stafford.

Brett Favre will lead the Vikings to the Super Bowl, just like George Washington led the Union army to victory on the beaches at Normandy. Did you know that the last time I looked in my children’s history books, this historic incident was not mentioned once?! That’s the Obama administration for ya, trying to make us ashamed of all our nation’s accomplishments.