Hey, have you thought about watching The Jay Leno Show? If not, have you thought about thinking about it?
Did you catch my interview with Bob Costas during the Packers-Bears game last night? I even worked in a timely zinger about Brett Favre! Oh, but I kid Brett Favre, of course! That’s what the show’s gonna be like–we’re gonna be right on top of the news!
Wait, you didn’t see my interview with Costas? How about the seven billion promos NBC ran over the weekend? No? You don’t watch NBC, huh? Well, couldja? Just once, for Jay?
Tell you what: Watch it once! If you don’t like it, I’ll give you your money back! I know what you’re thinking: Jay, network TV doesn’t cost me anything! Zing! That’s the kind of laugh-riot comedy you can expect on my show!
But what if I paid you? You’d have to watch it then, right? You’d have to watch it!
Oh, I know you’re going to love this! Did you know NBC built me a racetrack outside the studio? It’s true! Sometimes I’ll take a few laps out there with awesome celebrity guests! And sometimes we’ll flood the tarmac and stage historic naval battle recreations with vinatge cars! Watch this week, when me, Jerry Seinfeld, and a fleet of Hudson Hornets stage the Battle of Trafalgar!
Do you know what we’re gonna have? Comedy correspondents! They’re gonna go across the nation ‘reporting’ on the stories that matter to you! No show has ever done that before! At least not at 10 pm on network TV! With comedy!
Who wants ice cream? I’ll run out and get ice cream for everyone! Does that sound cool?
Are you excited about Rock Band: Beatles? I’ll buy this intern named Jim a floppy wig and he’ll play “I Feel Fine”! If you know Jim, it’ll be hilarious!
I will do anything! Literally anything! Are there limits to what I’ll do? Trust me, you don’t want to find out!
We bought one of the world’s largest HD monitors, exclusively to project closeups of Jay’s Headlines to our studio audience! Isn’t that ridiculous? NBC paid for it with all the money they’ll save by not hiring writers and directors and actors for whatever they would’ve shown at 10 pm instead of me!
I can’t go out on the road again, folks! It’s this or a bath with a toaster! You don’t want my blood on your hands, do you? Of course not!
NBC! Proud as a peacock!