The Jerry Manuel Managerial Javascript

jerry.jpg<script language=”jerryscript”>

function atbat
(if (runner on) {base = any} 
return bunt)

function lineup1
(if (constructing lineup) {day ends in Y}
return pick names out of hat)

function lineup2
(if (need number 6 hitter) {got a feeling he’s gonna bust out}
return Francoeur
[else {return Francoeur}])

function pinchhitsituation
(if (lefty on mound)
return Cora)
[else {scan bench, return Cora}])

function lateinninglead
(if (ninth inning save situation or five-run lead in eighth)
return K-Rod
[else {return whoever’s arm hasn’t turn to spaghetti yet}])

function disagreementwithplayer
if (dont see eye to eye with player) {could be hashed out behind closed doors}
return talk shit about player to press)

function postgamepressconference
(if (blow out loss)
return nonsensical cackling);
[else {shake head, return guffaw})

function anotherlostseason
(if (team tanks) {offensive blackout} {fans screaming for blood}
return blame center fielder)