Scratchbomb’s 2009 All-Star Game Live Blog: Final

11:08: K-Rod looked good, for the most part. Much better than he’s looked in actual Mets games of late.

I vote we place a moratorium on those Bud commercials with that Jet song. The tune has approached near-“Vertigo” levels of annoying ubiquity.

Mariano sets ’em down 1-2-3, and the NL is 0 for the decade (and then some). And I shall repair to my bed, to dream of the years of senior circuit dominance gone by.

11:08: How on earth did Angel Hernandez get on the umpiring crew for the ASG? He’s gotta be the worst ump in the game, by a huge margin. And a total douche to boot.

As Will Carroll pointed out, why did McCarver pick Adrian Gonzalez giving $250K to his alma mater’s baseball team as an example of good-guy-ism? Lot more worthy causes in
the world, Tim.

Ryan Howard strands runners at the corners. Can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen him strike out on a total junk pitch in the dirt. Dude can not just lay off it.

Heath Bell has taken over Trevor Hoffman’s role in San Diego–including
melting down when it really counts. Curtis Granderson triple and Adam Jones sac fly puts the AL back on top.

McCarver’s trying to sell us on the “value” of Kevin Youkilis. Is he a used car?

10:39: Papelbon gets a couple of very loud outs. Carl Crawford saved his bacon on a
Brad Hawpe fly that looked like it was ticketed for the bullpen.

Joe Buck says everything I know about fantasy football is about to change. Points will now be accumulated by stats in women’s collegiate lacrosse.

What did Pujols say to Adrian Gonzalez as he came off the field? Gonzalez
looked vaguely frightened. “See those snipers? You drop a ball, they shoot your family. Have fun, kid!”

You should not have to remove your cap for “God Bless America”. It’s a patriotic song, but it’s not the national anthem. It’s just a tune by Irving Berlin. Should I take off my hat every time I hear “White Christmas”?

Amazingly, this game’s flying along. Even more amazingly, Trevor Hoffman did not give up a run in a big spot.

What did I do to deserve this horrid Taco Bell commercial with the douchey white rappers?

10:06: Buck keeps saying that Victorino is the first Hawaiian to play in an ASG, but I swore that Sid Fernandez pitched in a few. Sure enough, he did (1986 and 1987). Is Victorino the first to start an ASG? Or just the most vastly overrated?

Top fifth, Chase Utley makes an insanely idiotic bid to force Carl Crawford at second and somehow gets away with it. Naturally, Buck and McCarver call it a “great play” even though it was one millimeter away from being a horrible play.

AL ties it up on Joe Mauer’s double, but Buck and McCarver give all the praise to Derek Jeter for having the “guts” and “grace” to score from first,

I have no interest in the G.I. Joe movie (and considering that’s the first commercial I’ve seen for a movie coming out next month, no one else does either). I’m holding out for the shoot-em-up film version of The Care Bears starring Jason Statham.

Wright strikes out looking on a nasty curve from Zack Greinke. Thing is, I’ve seen Wright strike out on worse pitches this year. Much worse. Many, many times.

David Wright doing a commercial for G-Force, the Tracy Morgan talking hamster movie. Apparently, this happened.

Looked it up (thanks, Retrosheet!). I was totally wrong; Wright hadn’t scored a run in an ASG since 2006, when he hit a homer off of Kenny Rogers (boo). But he’s had at least one hit in the game every since then.

Disturbingly goateed closer Ryan Franklin sets down the AL 1-2-3 in the top of the third. Some needs to hold that man down and take a hedge trimmer to that thing. Worst baseball facial hair since Scott Spiezio.

What the hell ever happened to Spiezio? He went nuts and hid in a closet somewhere, and then he was never heard from again. I assume he either got better or plateaued his Crazy. Because if things got worse than that, surely we’d have heard about it already.

Hey, I wonder when the Cards are gonna have their on-field tribute to Mark McGwire.
He wasn’t seen in the pregame ceremony, so I guess they must have something planned for the big fella during the seventh inning stretch, right?

Joe Buck interviews Obama through clenched teeth. Fox finally shows us his throw to the plate, which looked like a Tim Wakefield knuckleball.

Isn’t it awesome that we have a president who can talk sports like a regular dude? Isn’t it great to have a president who can talk, period?

Wright gets first hit off of Halladay with a blooper, followed by a single by Shane Victorino,
which prompts some Hawaii Love from the president. I’ll forgive it this one time, Mr. Obama.

Wright scores on Yadier Molina’s single. I think Wright has scored a run in the last four ASGs. Anyone know this for sure?

Fielder doubles in Molina to put the NL on top, 3-2. Obama, sadly, can not
stick around the booth for another inning and cut through the Stupid.

9:08: Roy Halladay sets down the NL easily in the first. Surprised to see he took the mound in a Toronto jersey.

Pujols can’t field a throw from David Wright to turn a double play (he should had it no matter how much you wanna blame Wright, Mr. Buck), then he flubs a groundball to allow a run to score. The spotlight, it burns!

Lincecum’s struggling. On the one hand, I really want the NL to win. On the other hand, Timmy getting smacked around would ruin Mad Dog Russo’s week

Jeter hit on hand by pitch. McCarver says he’s okay because “the ball caught some knob”. Sometimes the jokes just write themselves.

Fox just zeroed in on one guy who booed the president (other than uber-Republican Joe Buck):


8:41: The five old timers in their red sport jackets look like a doo-wop group you see on one of those PBS specials. “Ladies and gentlemen, three of the five original Cardinals!”

That is one weird cart Stan Musial’s riding in. And who’s the smug jerk in the back?

I hear way too many boos for our Commander in Chief, assholes. Is it the Sox jacket?

And thanks for not showing us his throw, Fox. The only moment non-baseball fans would’ve wanted to see, and you make it happen off camera. Good job, Einsteins.

8:28: Here’s why baseball can’t attract young fans: ponderous stuff like this Good Guys/Presidents montage. Again, it’s nice and all, but can you imagine having something like this during a major event in any other sport?

I don’t just mean in terms of its string-filled, treacly presentation. What would happen if a NFL playoff game’s start time was delayed 20 minutes for a tribute to pillars of various local communities? There’d be riots in the street. C’MON! I GOT 3 LARGE ON THE BEARS! GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD!

Joe Torre gets a nice hand from the crowd, who I assume recall his time playing for the Cardinals and forget his hideous time managing them. Hey, remember when Joe Torre was a terrible manager?

Johan Santana and Francisco Rodriguez get booed. Dick move. Predictable, but a dick move nonetheless.

Then again, this seems to be a weird crowd. Even Pujols’ reception seems relatively quiet (for a guy from the hometown team who’s having a monster year). And David Wright got a reasonable reception. So now I don’t know what to think. Damn you St. Louis and your
stereotype-confounding ways!

This tribute to Good People or whatever the hell it is, this is nice and all, but it would also be nice if the game started before 10 pm.

8:04: Ichiro gets ball signed from Obama, looks vaguely embarrassed.

PREGAME, 7:48: Did anyone else see Fox’s idiotic commercial for this year’s All Star
Game? I haven’t heard or read anyone talking about it, but it’s gotta be one of the dumbest things I’ve seen in many a moon.

So the Gateway Arch is scooping up unsuspecting players and fans and it’s transporting them to the All Star Game with its irresistible magnetic force. I guess that’s one way to get people to go to St. Louis.

The All Star commercial is sometimes cute, as in the 2007 cable car version, or at least impressive (and kinda terrifying), like the 2008 All Hail The Yankees version. This is just weird and lazy (at least as an idea; I’m sure it required hundreds of CGI hours to make).

This just makes it look like nobody in the Fox marketing dept. has ever been
to or heard of St. Louis. “They got that arch thingy! Do something with the arch!” somebody said.

“What if we make it a big magnet? It kinda looks like a magnet, doesn’t it?”

“Not really.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t not look like a magnet, does it?”

“I guess.”

“Fine! You guys work on that shit this weekend. It’s 2pm on a Friday and if I
don’t hit the road right now, I’m never gonna get out to the Hamptons.”