NEW YORK (AP)–All of Major League Baseball came to a standstill Monday afternoon, when future Hall of Famer and titan of a man Derek Jeter was called out in an attempted steal of third base. Replays clearly showed that, though the ball beat the immortal shortstop to the bag, Blue Jays third baseman Scott Rolen did not apply a tag prior to Jeter’s blessed hands reaching the base itself.
Yankees manager Joe Girardi stormed out of the dugout, rending his garments in grief and disgust. “My Father, why have you forsaken us?!” he cried toward the seemingly deaf heavens. Third base umpire Marty Foster, an insensitive monster who surely has no soul, ejected the skipper for his insolence.
Mr. Jeter, ever the picture of calm and poise, pleaded his case respectfully to Foster, a pitiful excuse for a man, but to no avail. He walked back to the dugout, as grown men wept openly over his grace at a moment of such grave injsutice.
A candlelight vigil was held outside Yankee Stadium Monday night to mark this horrific event. “We have been shaken to the core,” said Dennis Ramirez, a Yankee fan from the Bronx, “but together, we can make it through this dark, dark time.”
A visibly shaken Bud Selig acknowledged the grievous error in a post-game press conference. “I realize this happens often,” he told reporters. “Umpires frequently call a runner out if the ball beats him to the bag, regardless of whether a tag was applied in time or not. But this has never happened to Derek Jeter before, and must never happen again.
“Therefore, I hereby award today’s game to the Yankees, regardless of the final score. In compensation for their pain and suffering, the Yankees shall also be awarded two games of their choosing which have already been played.
“I would also remind our umpiring crews that when Mr. Jeter does not swing at a pitch, it is not a strike.”
Following the game, Jeter calmed down a frothing mob of angry sports reporters with a gentle wave of his hand, and with words of profound wisdom that could have been spoken by the Dalai Lama, or perhaps Gandhi: “I just want to do my best and help this team win,” he said.