Decrees for My All Encompassing Dictatorship: No Bragging About Ignorance

Within the last few weeks, as World Cup fever has gripped (most of) the globe, I’ve seen numerous wags on the internet tweet/facebook/smoke signal about how they would never watch soccer in a million years. Especially here in America, where soccer is still seen as something decadent, European, and vaguely effeminate, kinda like…the rest of Europe, I guess. Never mind that the World Cup is literally the most watched thing on the planet. You and your small circle of friends don’t care about it, and it is therefore not worth your time.

I can’t stand this Me-Centric attitude that celebrates ignorance. When people say things like this, they are declaring their pride in how much they don’t know. I despise when people declare I’VE NEVER WATCHED/LISTENED TO/READ [BLANK] with pride, as if they’ve passed some endurance test the rest of us poor slobs failed. “It took all my strength, but I never watched a single episode of Lost. You poor saps will never know what you didn’t miss!”

I’ve always felt that there is nothing to be gained from not knowing something, because everything is an experience, whether it’s listening to a symphony or watching American Idol. And yes, Idol sucks hard, but I know it sucks hard because I’ve actually watched it a few times.

When you say I WILL NEVER WATCH/LISTEN TO/READ [BLANK], you are saying I AM WILLFULLY CLOSING OFF MY MIND TO CERTAIN THINGS I SUSPECT I WON’T LIKE. And that is fine, if that is what you choose to do with your brain. Just don’t act like this decision makes you more evolved than everyone else. And certainly don’t act like you can comment on the qualities of something you’ve already chosen to ignore.

Under my benevolent despotism, if you choose to not see/listen to/read something, all you should be allowed to say about it is. “I haven’t seen/listened to/read that. It doesn’t look like something I’d be into.” And that’s it.

Those who violate this rule shall be locked in a solid white room with no windows for a full week, where they will be able to enjoy the stimulation-free nothingness that they seem to crave so much.

I have spoken.