KOREAN CENTRAL NEWS AGENCY, PYONGYANG — The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains undefeated in the 2010 World Cup, thanks to our Dear Leader, President Kim Jong Il, who scored all the goals in a 16-0 rout of Portugal on Monday!
Another blow was struck against the puppets of Western capitalism as the Supreme Leader beloved by all peoples of the world sliced and diced his way through a porous Portuguese defense during the match at Green Point Stadium in Cape Town, South Africa.
Powered by the principles of the Juche Idea, Dear Leader remained the embodiment of North Korean self reliance as he scored in a variety of stunning ways, each more fantastic than the last. President Kim Jong Il netted goals on headers, bicycle kicks, penalty shots, and corners. His power was so undefatigable, he even induced the opposing goalie to throw the ball into his own net, by the sheer force of his pure will!
Death to the fascist American jackals!
Cristiano Ronaldo, crowned one of the so-called “world’s best players” (a mantle bestowed upon him by imperialist lackey dogs in order to enslave him with the trappings of fame and material success), pronounced himself “utterly defeated” by the self-reliance and power displayed by Supreme Leader Kim Jong Il. “If I was not caught up in the chains of free market capitalism, I would surely dedicate my life to this god among men,” Ronaldo told the press.
Inspired by his performance, the crowd broke into spontaneous choruses of beloved workers’ tunes such as “We Shall Hold Bayonets More Firmly” and “Our Dear General Contracts Space Using Magic”. They may soon have more joyous songs to sing, for our Dear Leader’s exploits shall be immortalized by a newly commissioned work by the Sea of Blood Opera Company.
Let’s not forget the blood-drenched hatred!
Kim Jong Il dedicated his victory to the workers of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea, and once again affirmed that all his power flows from the endless fount of Eternal Leader Kim Il Sung, our shining beacon now and forever! This defeat of another smug Western power is the greatest since Dear Leader crushed the Brazilians 12-0 last Tuesday.
In celebration, Dear Leader has decreed one extra ounce of rice rations for the lunchtime meal to be consumed between 12:00 and 12:12 next Wednesday. Those who fail to partake in this generous bounty shall be declared enemies of the state.