Bud Selig on Series Relocation

budselig2.jpgAs you all know, the G20 Summit is happening in Toronto this summer. You guys all knew that, right? Because I sure as hell didn’t. Not when I was making the schedules for this season, anyway. Oh well, live and…live and…how does the rest of that go? Eh, it’s not important.

Anywhoozle, the G20 Summit will attract some of the world’s most dangerous, ski-hatted anarchists, who threaten to stand around in streets chanting things in a vaguely upsetting matter, then disperse. I take this threat very seriously, even if 75 percent of these anti-capitalist groups are comprised of undercover FBI agents snitching on the other 25 percent. During this summit, Toronto may be safe enough to host the finance ministers of the world’s 20 leading economies, but it certainly won’t be safe enough for Alex Rios and Placido Polanco.

That’s why I’m moving the interleague series between the Blue Jays and the Phillies down to Philadelphia. I understand that this may give one team a serious advantage. After all, the Blue Jays won their last World Series against the Phillies, and surely the memories of Joe Carter and Paul Molitor will give Toronto a huge psychic advantage! But I think the Phillies are talented enough to overcome this.

My office did give some consideration to moving this series to a neutral site. But I remember two years ago, we moved an Astros/Cubs series from Houston to Milwaukee, and many fans thought it was unfair to relocate those games to a city so close to Chicago. This time, to remove any ambiguity, I decided to just move the series to the other team’s home field so there would be no question about who was getting hosed.

Some say I could have moved the games to Buffalo or Montreal or some other city like that. But then I’d have to find out the names of the stadiums in those cities. And then I’d have to find out who runs them. And then I’d have to find out their phone number. And then what if they don’t answer the phone? Ugh, who’s got time for that kind of hassle?!

I do understand that other teams in the NL East feel this gives an unfair edge to the Phillies, but I’d like to point out that each of them has an advantage of their own, which I feel cancels out this effect:

  • The Mets will play in Puerto Rico this summer at the end of June, and you know how much Those People like hot, Caribbean temperatures. Fuck, did I say that out loud?
  • The Marlins, in addition to playing in that series in Puerto Rico, have an average attendance of 300 people per game, which really cuts down on the pressure to perform.
  • The Braves have Jason Heyward, who can heal lepers, I’ve heard.
  • And the Nationals will be eliminated in the Great MLB Downsizing I have planned for 2015, so I’m not too worried about making them happy.

There you go, it’s a win-win situation. Actually, it’s a win-win-win situation, since the Phillies will totally sweep that series. Especially if they use that other advantage we’ve been letting them get away with.