Bud Selig Addresses the Arizona Question

Don’t think Major League Baseball is unaware of or insensitive to the situation in Arizona, just because we haven’t acknowledged it in any way so far. I just think it’s unwise to rush into any action or statement or movement until we have all the facts.

Rest assured, my Fact Gatherers are out there right now, gathering those facts. Yup, they are working hard, and as soon as they’re done with their work, that’s when the work of the Fact Interpreters begins. And once those guys are done with their work, we have to call in the Action Recommenders, who recommend actions based on those facts.

And when all of that is taken care of, we have to bring in someone to clean up the facts and file them away so the office looks neat and tidy. Clean office, clean business, I always say. It’s a long, involved process, people.

Stalling? I’m not stalling. What makes you think I’m stalling? I can’t believe you would think something like that. That’s just…did you eat? Can I get you something? How about some coffee?

However, I want to say right up front that we will not consider moving the All Star Game from Phoenix in 2011. Even if the state passed an unjust law–AND I’M NOT SAYING THEY DID, DON’T RUSH ME–it’s not fair to the citizens of Arizona to deny them a chance to see baseball superstars up close, like Alex Rodriguez and Albert Pujols and whoever we decide to send from the Royals. And by “citizens”, of course I mean whichever corporate douchebags weasel their way into getting tickets to the game.

As for all the spring training facilities in Arizona, that is a team matter that each team will have to decide for itself based on what is good for that particular team. I believe in teams’ rights and trust them to come to equitable, sensible decisions on their own. It’s a policy I learned when I did graduate work at the James Buchanan School of Diplomacy.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hide under this pile of coats while whistling loudly and hope that somehow, all of this goes away.