To the Victorino Goes the Spoils

Shane Victorino reaches first on an infield single

victorino.jpgHey man, we’re gonna win this game!

reyes2.jpgSays you.

Yeah, I do says that. We’re the Phillies! We always come from behind.

Yeah, because your starters give up like 9 runs every game.

No, it’s because we’re gritty and gutty and grutty!


It’s grit and guts combined! That’s why we won the World Series!

reyes2.jpgI thought you won the World Series because you had a closer who didn’t blow a game all year, and our bullpen was a radioactive sinkhole.

*pfft* You just don’t get it. Good pitching doesn’t win games. Guts does!

Ground ball to second base. Force out at first. Victorino caught in a rundown.

reyes2.jpgAlright, grit your way outta this one!

Don’t mind if I do!

Victorino totally bodychecks Reyes.

reyes2.jpgWhoah, he can’t do that! That’s obstruction, right?

welke.jpgYeah, on you! Mr. Victorino, I humbly award you second base.

Thank you, sir.
/trots down to second

reyes2.jpgWhat?! He obstructed me!

welke.jpgImpossible! Mr. Victorino is grutty and plays the game the right way. And you, you’re the exact opposite of that!

reyes2.jpgHow am I the exact opposite of that?!

welke.jpgBecause you make a big deal when calls don’t go your way!

reyes2.jpgSo does he.

welke.jpgNot the way you do!


welke.jpgYou just don’t, okay?! You just don’t!

And he dances! Don’t forget the dancing!

reyes2.jpgSo what? That’s how I get pumped up.

welke.jpgYou don’t get pumped up by dancing, mister. Not unless you’re auditioning for the Broadway revival of Hair. Which the wife and I saw last week and is spectacular.

Yes! Another argument won by the Victonator!
/pumps fist

reyes2.jpgSo what should I do instead of dancing, this?
/pumps fist exact same way

welke.jpgHey! You watch it, bub! There’s no need for that kinda crazy Santeria fist-mambo in my game! This is America!

reyes2.jpgIf I didn’t know better, I’d swear there was a racial element to all this…

welke.jpgNonsense! It’s just that Latin players are inherently lazier and more showboat-y than other players.


welke.jpgIt’s not your fault, though. Science proves that there’s no grit in Caribbean nations. The Spanish mined all the grit out of the islands before they left. I heard that on Lou Dobbs once.

reyes2.jpgThat’s just straight up racist.

welke.jpgWatch your mouth, tough guy! You’re lucky I don’t bounce you right now!

reyes2.jpgOn what grounds?

welke.jpgRule 73.2.5, paragraph 3, subsection a: Players shall not point out umpires’ willful ignorance and entrenched prejudices under pain of suspension.

reyes2.jpgFine, I’ll keep my mouth shut. Just tell me how to transform myself from being seen as a spoiled hothead to being considered a gruttty gamer.

Number one, wear a little league helmet.

reyes2.jpgNot gonna do that.

Number two, play in a home ballpark that completely inflates your offensive numbers.

reyes2.jpgToo late. What else?

I guess you could try to lose the accent and lighten your skin a few shades.

reyes2.jpgIn other words, I’m fucked.

Pretty much, yeah.

welke.jpgMr. Victorino, take third base!

reyes2.jpgWhoah, what for?!

welke.jpgBecause you’re wasting his valuable time with all that Spanish-y mojito Tito Puente jibber jabber. And I won’t stand for it!

Thank you, kind arbiter.

reyes2.jpgI hate you so fucking much.