I Don’t Know Much About Art, But I Know What I Hate

The tweeting of bigplastichead alerted me to the blog Tiny Art Director. The site’s author (professional illustrator Bill Zeman) draws things he’s told to draw by his four-year-old daughter. She then critiques them as only a four-year-old girl can. Which is to say, in extremely harsh terms that make no attempt to salve her father’s feelings.

Because not even a professional illustrator can perfectly match the insane, wondrous visions that swirl around in a little kid’s head. And to a four-year-old, the reasonable response to this is to go ape-shit and erase the drawing your dad made for you at your request.

Reading this site, I alternated between delight and horror. Many of the posts were extremely funny, but a lot of them hit a little too close to home. I’ve had my 2-year-old yell at me NO, DADDY, NO! for simply looking at her when she doesn’t want me to, or scream at the top of her lungs because a DVD she wants to watch isn’t loading fast enough. “I’m sorry honey, I’ll have to speak to those bad men at Sony for not making DVD players that can be activated at the speed of a toddler’s whims.”

So to me, this site serves as a preview of what I can expect when my daughter reaches the full height of her powers of expression and snap judgment. And doesn’t like my drawing of a plane made out of poop.

Louis CK has a routine wherein he talks about the difference between little boys and little girls. To wit: Boys break things and do horribly destructive things, but they do it just to do it. It’s not personal. A boy will jump up and down on your bed and bust the boxspring, or throw all the good flatware in the microwave for a half-hour, but he won’t do it to hurt your feelings. He’s just being a jerk.

Girls, on the other hand (says Louie), will do stuff to destroy your soul. The example he gives: his older daughter broke her doll by accident, snapped the head right off. So she insisted that he break her sister’s doll in order to bring about some demented childlike sense of justice. IF I CAN’T HAVE AN INTACT DOLLY, NO ONE SHALL!

Yup, the rest of my life is gonna be FUN. Good thing I’ve lost all my hair already.