Beamed across the globe via satellite to over 2 billion people, the Royal Wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton will be the most watched thing nobody really gives a shit about in television history.
Using over 700 precious stones, such as rubies, emeralds, and diamonds, Kate’s gilded cage will be the most extravagant ever built.
The bride-to-be will be attended to by six hairdressers, which is easily the least ridiculous item of this whole affair.
The royal family assures the British public that Kate will be wearing white on her wedding day. In other news, it’s the 21st century and some people are still concerned about this.
Queen Elizabeth’s gift to the young couple will be her unspoken but stern and crushing disapproval of everything they do.
The royal wedding could cost the British government close to £100 million. To put that in perspective, holy fuck.
Per tradition, the Middleton family will be expected to pick up the tab on certain items, such as the wedding cake, Kate’s dress, and funeral costs for any commoners trampled by overzealous royal guards.
Though he has publicly insisted he will not take advantage of this right, Prince William is still permitted by British law to behead his new bride if his wedding night proves displeasing.
A contingent of former colonies will attend the royal wedding, each bearing a representative blight the British Empire’s rule bequeathed to them.
Among the performers at this lavish event will be the Soot-Covered Dickensian Street Urchins, who will stomp around in charming squalor while singing “Consider Yourself,” and Benita Hill, England’s premier Benny Hill/female impersonator.
Luminaries invited to the wedding but who disapprove of the lavish spending in this economy will be seated in a special sneering section.
Once married, Kate will become the Princess of Skye or the Duchess of Cardiff or the Lord Mayor of Burwick-on-Tweed or some other fucking thing, I don’t know.