Virginia Is For Lovers of Selective Memory

mcdonnell.jpgGovernor McDonnell here! I wanna let alla y’all know that April is officially Confederate History Month in the Great Commonwealth of Virginia. Or Virginny, as my grandpappy used to call it. He didn’t have much of what you might call book learnin’, and he liked to get in fights with parking meters, and he used to drink gasoline with his evenin’ vittles, but he was still a good son of The South. Though he mighta been born in Springfield, Massachusetts, now that I think about it. But I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m here to talk about history!

Confederate History Month will celebrate all the brave men who defended their homeland against invading aggressors from a foul foreign land: The North. Yes, Northerners are different from Southerners, and that’s the way God intended it. If not, why’d He put the North all the way up there?

No, The South did not want this war. Our leaders did everything they could to prevent it from happening: Fomenting bloodshed in Kansas, refusing to compromise on any slavery issue, beating a senator savagely with a cane, and several other things that escape me at this moment.

The South believed there should be two Americas. Those who liked snow and books could have The North, and those who liked mint juleps and rigid social strata could have The South. Just like another proud son of The South, Colonel Sanders, thought Americans should be able to enjoy extra crispy and original recipe.

But for some reason, The North didn’t like this idea. How else could The South have proved the merits of this glorious experiement unless we seceded and took up arms against our former countrymen? If you have a better idea, I’m all ears!

We have many exciting events planned for Confederate History Month. First, we’re gonna take down all these damn Yankee stars and stripes and burn ’em, just like our ancestors did. This will be okay because I declare for the next month that Virginny ain’t a part of the Union! Then we’re gonna replace them wretched things with the good ol’ stars and bars. Hang ’em from every window in the governor’s mansion! And then we’re gonna crank some Molly Hatchet.

One thing our celebration will not involve is any mention of slavery. I don’t think it was a significant part of Confederate history. Some might say it’s the reason why the whole war started. And when I say “some”, I’m referring to every historian ever. But that doesn’t make it significant.

Is milk a significant part of cheese? Is water a significant part of ice? Once something is transformed into something else, what caused that to happen is of no concern to us. History isn’t about figuring why things happened. It’s about puttin’ on funny ol’ timey costumes and charging 20 bucks a head to look at an old cannon.

And while we’re at it, let’s get rid of those ingredient panels on boxes of food. They just mess with your mind!

I’m also introducing legislation to celebrate the heroes who resisted that second heinous act of Yankee aggression, the so-called Civil Rights Movement. I want to honor the brave men and women who blocked high school entrances and turned hoses on protesters, and even the ones who did something as simple and noble as throwing eggs at children, so Virginians could continue to enjoy those lovely signs we took the time and care to hang on separate water fountains.

Did some bad things happen in The South during the Civil Right Movement? Beats me! The schoolbooks I grew up reading never mentioned it, and neither will any schoolbook produced under my administration. But I will add a special chapter on the bands of the 1970s and why Molly Hatchet remains a shining beacon of rockitude. And I will also commission a new cover to these textbooks painted by Frank Frazetta.