Hey, thanks for lettin me crash at your place, guys. I’m goin through a really rough patch with my old lady and you saved my bacon. You guys really did me a solid, and I won’t forget it, man.
And no worries about the whole ‘bein gay’ thing. You do your thing, I do my thing, we’ll all be cool, okay? Live and let live, that is my mot-to.
‘Course, in a coupla years, I’m gonna be runnin for higher office. Maybe senator, maybe governor–who knows, maybe even La Casa Blanca, know what I’m sayin, bro?
Point is, I’m a Republican and all, so I gotta play the game. You know how it is. Hey, look I’m talkin to–you guys probably gotta pretend to be all not-gay just to keep your jobs!
Anywhoozle, I’m just lettin ya know I gotta say some shit that might rub ya the wrong way. Not for real, of course–just stuff that’ll play in the sticks, you know? Like, I gotta say I “hate” gay marriage and that hetero marriage is a “sacred institution”.
Man, I gotta practice sayin that–I can barely get the words out without crackin up! I mean, I been married three times already and cheated on my last old lady. And I wasn’t discrete about it either. I kinda did it really, really publicly. All the time.
Oh, and I used city money to go visit my girlfriend while I was still married. Hey, nobody’s perfect, bro.
But don’t worry, it’s just gonna be shit I say to climb the ladder, know what I’m sayin? Once I’m in office…well, then I probably gotta pass some laws against gay marriage it because I’ll totally be indebted to the guys who got me elected on that platform.
Don’t you worry, though–that civil union thing, totally safe. No one’s touchin that on my watch! Unless they pressure me to repeal that, too. Then all bets are off, know what I’m sayin?
But hey, just wanna letcha know, even if I strip away all your rights and keep you from being with the one you love, just know this: I don’t really mean it.
So we’re still cool, right?
Seriously? We’re still cool? Awesome. I knew I could count on you guys.
You guys got matches? I’m gotta use the little boys’ room and I plan on cuttin mud for 25 minutes minimum.