Well, Jose, the good news is your hyperthyroidism is treatable. The bad news is you need to rest for at least a few weeks until your elevated thyroid levels start to go down. You’ll also need to make a few changes to your diet. Have you been eating a lot of fish lately?

Yeah, I have, now that you mention it.

Take me a through a typical day, meal-wise. What do you have for breakfast?

Usually, a caviar omelet.

I’ve never even heard of that. What do you do, add caviar to scrambled eggs?

No, the caviar is the base. I crack the fish eggs and fry em up in a pan. Sometimes I throw a few prawns in there, too.

Wow. How do you crack caviar?

Very precisely.


And you have this for breakfast every day?

If I’m really in a rush and have to get out the door, I’ll just grab a fistful of scallops for the car.

What about lunch?

Something light, like herring or whitefish between two slices of shrimp toast.

I’m almost afraid to ask, but what do you have for dinner?

Depends on the day of the week. Monday’s ceviche night. Tuedays, I have mussels and cockels served in an enormous clam shell. Wednesday, my wife likes to make halitroutmon.

What is that?

It’s kind of like the seafood version of the turducken. It’s a salmon stuffed in a trout stuffed in a halibut.

How long have you been eating like this?

Since last summer. When I had my hamstring trouble, the team doctors recommended it.

I’ve never heard of a fish-only diet recommended for people rehabbing from muscular injuries.

They said that because my hamstring was hurting, I needed to eat the exact opposite of ham.

Jose, I’ve told you a million times, the Mets’ team doctors are morons. You can not listen to their advice on anything, not even simple stuff like diet. Those people have no idea what they’re doing.

I guess I shoulda known better. David Wright’s been no good ever since they put him on that all-mercury diet.

TWINKLE TWINKLE, LITTLE BAT! MY HOMERS VANISHED JUST LIKE THAT!