Baseball is America’s game! It doesn’t belong to the Italians or the Cubans or the Koreans or the Japanese. Especially not the Japanese! The very thought of them playing our game makes me sick to my stomach!
And the Dutch! God, I hate the Dutch! I hate tulips! I hate land below sea level! Screw them and their stupid wooden shoes! Those guys wear wooden shoes, right?
I feel so strongly about this, I’m gonna use my time machine. Oh yeah, I have a time machine. You get a free time machine whenever you’re inducted into the Hall of Fame.
You know who invented it? Don Drysdale. Not only are Dodgers the best team in the world, but they’ve broken the time/space continuum!
Anyway, I’m gonna use my time machine and get ridda every player I ever had who wasn’t American. Fernando Valenzuela, get lost! I know you won me a World Series in 1981, but I don’t care. Get American or get off my team!
Davey Lopes, cornerstone of my infield for a decade: hit the road! I don’t care if you were born in Rhode Island. That’s a foreign name, pal! I ain’t taking any chances!
Same goes for Ron Cey. That name sounds a little too Chinese for my liking. People used to call you The Penguin–penguins ain’t American, either. Get outta my sight!
Steve Garvey–probably American. But he went to play for the Padres, which is a Spanish word. Good enough for me! Scram, ya commie!
Once I get rid of all these un-American types, I’ll win even more World Series! Cuz my lineups won’t be polluted by these stupid foreign types! Those guys should stick to their own sports like soccer or bocce or whatever the hell it is those people play!
Then, I’ll go back to 1972 and warn Nixon about Watergate, and beat Woodward and Bernstein with a tire iron. No one takes down my favorite president! Nixon will be so grateful he’ll finally grant me my greatest wish: to see America’s official flower changed to fettuccine.
Then, I’ll go back to 1955 and make Jayne Mansfield fall in love with me. How? I have my ways. Most of them involve pasta.
Then, I’ll go back to 1933 and kill Hitler! But not before I find out where he hid the Ark of the Covenant!
Then, I’ll probably take a nap. Other than the time machine, sleep is the best way to escape this horrible, horrible modern world!