Sean from Massapequa: The PSL Report

Today I chat with Sean from Massapequa once again, as we discuss his trip to Port St. Lucie and his overall impressions of the Mets’ chances this year.

First off, I’m disappointed that you didn’t come to do an audio interview with me on Holy Goddamn!

Hey, I just got a brand new pre-owned Ford Escort, and I ain’t takin that thing into the city. I’d ruin the shocks on all the potholes.

There’s not a lot of potholes in my neighborhood.

Okay, well, between you and me, I got a coupla outstandin parkin tickets in Queens.

How many is a couple?

Thirty-seven, give or take.

So pay them and you don’t have to worry about it.

What, I don’t give the city enough money already?! When I’m doin a job in the city, I spend at least $5 on lunch every day. I pump capital into the local economy! I do my part!

Fine, forget it. Let’s move on to the matter at hand. How was Port St. Lucie?

That’s kind of a thorny subject. See, I was asked to leave Port St. Lucie–and I want this clear, I was not kicked out, I was asked to leave. But the city promised not to press charges for unnamed offenses if I didn’t talk about my time in the town. All’s I gotta say is, they got a strict dress code down there. If you go, make sure you bring pants.

I more meant, how was spring training? What was it like seeing the Mets so up close?

I wouldn’t know, since all the real Mets left before I got there. I show up for a game, and there’s no Wright, no Reyes, no Beltran…

Yeah, I told you they were all at the WBC.

It’s not fair, I tells ya. I paid good money to watch them play! I mean, not really–my buddy Joey works the concessions at Tradition Field. Good guy, he’s on disability from the food workers local. He sneaks me into the games down there. I gotta help him out behind the counter so I don’t look too suspicious, though. But I can usually see a pretty good reflection of the batters in the metal paneling on the fry grill.

So you didn’t really pay to go to these games.

Whether I actually paid money is beside the point. What matters is, I still had to go to them games and they sucked! With all the regulars gone, I couldn’t get in shape for the season!

You mean the players couldn’t get in shape?

No, I’m talkin about me! Spring training is when I stretch my vocal cords and loosen up my battery-tossing arm. You can’t expect me to go into the season and wing Chipper Jones in the face with a airliner of Stoli! Not without some serious conditioning!

How do you get ready for the season?

When I first show up in camp, I start with a watch battery on flat ground. Then I move up to long-tossing a double-A. When I’m feelin loose, I throw in a few new taunts.

New taunts?

Yeah, I try out some new hateful yells down in spring training so I know they’ll work up north.

Could we hear an example?

Sure [Note: There’s no way on earth I could put this taunt on my website]

Wow, that is just…vile. I didn’t think you were allowed to say stuff like that at the ballpark.

Only if you get caught. I got one of them voice-throwing kits when I was a kid, you know like from the back of the comic books? I can scream at the top of my lungs and it sounds like it’s coming from a totally different direction. It’s a great trick for parties. Or when you’re stuck in traffic. I swear I’ve started like a hundred fistfights yellin somethin really awful when I was stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on the LIE.

I don’t understand why you would go to a game to yell at your favorite team.

It’s not just for that. I’m gathering material for my book. I’m shoppin a collection around town.

You wrote a book?!

Yeah, it’s called Scream Along with Sean. It’s got all my best taunts on it, and all my tips on how to heckle. It’s gonna have a CD in the sleeve. I been talking to someone at Simon & Schuster.

Seriously, you’ve been talking to someone at Simon & Schuster.

Yeah, I know the guy who works the front desk there, signin visitors in and out. Good guy, used to work for the sheet metal union ’til he got disability. He’s totally gonna put my manuscript on some editor’s desk, as soon as he figures out what floor they’re on. Say, maybe you can put up a clip on the site? It’d be good publicity.

No, no way. I listened to the CD you sent me, and I think I might get arrested if I put this on the site. Or possibly deported.

C’mon! It ain’t no worse than whatcha hear on Angry Bob the Drunken Slob!

I have no idea who that is.

Oh man, he’s great. Great guy, union carpenter on disability. All the unions used to hire this guy to do their Christmas parties. Guy’s funnier than Dane Cook. Maybe even funnier than The Greaseman! And I don’t throw around praise like that too lightly! You gotta hear this guy!

I get the feeling he’s not my cup of tea.

Trust me, he’s the best. He goes off on these great rants where he just tears everyone a new a-hole. Catch him while you still can. He’s blowing up everywhere, on the radio all the time. Opie and Anthony, Howard Stern, Fresh Air.

Fresh Air?! You mean Fresh Air on NPR?

Yeah, him and Terry Gross got this real Odd Couple rapport. Don’t ask me how, but it works.

Back to the Mets, are you excited about the new stadium?

No way. I don’t like it one bit.

You miss Shea?

Hell no, that place was a dump. But my friend Vinnie used to get me in for free. Great guy I know in the Stub Rippers’ local. But he don’t work the gates no more. He got busted trying to steal Tom Seaver from the old stadium.

Like, a Tom Seaver poster, or a statue…

No, Tom Seaver. Woulda gotten away with it, too, if The Franchise just kept his big mouth shut. So now Vinnie’s on disability and he can’t sneak me in no more.

Ever thought about buying a ticket?

Oh no, I ain’t payin them prices. I figure opening day, I’ll drive to CitiField, find someone in the parking lot who looks pretty weak and, well, you know.

No, I don’t know.

All pipefitters are trained in the deadly arts as well as plumbing. I can sneak up on you and wring your neck with a toilet snake before you even know what happened. I can hit you in the back of the neck with a socket wrench and knock you out without leaving a bruise. I can kill you three different ways with a elbow pipe before you even hit the ground.

That’s truly horrible. Why would you do that?

I gotta be there opening day! This is my team! And if somebody’s standin in my way, I gotta take care a him.

That “somebody” isn’t standing in your way. What’s standing in your way is
the fact that you want somebody to sneak you in so you don’t have to pay.

What, the Mets don’t get enough of my money? You know how much dough I’ve sunk into this team over the years? How bout all them other games I snuck into? How bout all them fifths of Johnnie Walker I bought at Buy-Rite Liquors and taped to the inside of my pants
so I could drink em in my seat? How bout all the team gear I bought from that blind retarded kid with the table outside the Woodside stop on the 7?

The Mets don’t get any money from that.

Well, somebody does!

Alright, I think we’re just about done here. Before we go, do you have any predictions for the upcoming season?

I predict I’m finally gonna wing Shane Victorino with a D-cell this year.