Decrees for My All-Encompassing Dictatorship, Freezer Section Edition

No.
bagelfuls.jpgIn case you can’t make it out, that is a “Bagel”–which actually looks more like soft pretzel stick–stuffed with cream cheese. To which I decree, ENOUGH! Enough with your Franken-foods, mad scientists of the food labs of America. You have been placed upon the scales of righteousness and found wanting! REPENT!

I will ban all crimes against food such as the monstrosity pictured above. Also included in this sweeping prohibition: pancake-wrapped sausage, sausage-wrapped pancakes, and any other food where things are wrapped in other things IN DEFIANCE OF GOD’S WILL.

The stuffing of cheese into things which cheese was not meant to be stuffed shall be forbidden. As shall injecting of syrup into breakfast items. If you want syrup upon your breakfast meal, EXPEND SOME ENERGY AND POUR IT ON YOURSELF, YOU BLOATED MIND-CORPSE!

All the madmen who invented these freakish insults to food-nature shall be launched into space via catapault.

I have spoken.