NFL Offers Preemptive Apology for Halftime Show

Thumbnail image for sbxlv.pngDALLAS–NFL commissioner Roger Goodell offered an apology for the upcoming Super Bowl halftime show. His comments acknowledged that the show, which will feature a performance by the Black Eyed Peas, will be “totally unacceptable in every possible way.”

“We’re not 100 percent sure exactly what’s going to happen on Sunday, but we do know it’s going to be unwatchable,” Goodell said at press conference at Cowboy Stadium. “So I want to apologize in advance for foisting this on the American public.”

“I know that, generally speaking, people don’t expect all that much from our halftime show. Even so, I think this sets the bar almost unspeakably low.”

The commissioner leaned over to place his hand extremely close to the ground, then reconsidered. “Actually, I think you’d have to dig a trench to put the bar as low as we’ve set it.”

“I know this will be especially tough to deal with, since in recent years we’ve had a few artists whose performances didn’t made viewers want to kick in their TVs, such as Prince and Bruce Springsteen. If those entertaining displays got anyone’s hopes up for this year, I sincerely apologize.”

Goodell explained that the NFL was forced to take on the Black Eyed Peas because the chart-busting group’s appearances had been shared among other major sports leagues for the past few years. “We dodged a bullet for a while. I thought the NBA would be stuck with them for a few more seasons, but now it’s time for us to take one for the team,” he said with a shrug.

The Black Eyed Peas attended the press conference and were mere feet away from Goodell as he made these remarks, but the band seemed oblivious to them, spending the majority of the press conference making inscrutable arm movements and hand gestures.

“If we bear down and sit tight, I think we can all make it through this,” Goodell said. “Switch over the Puppy Bowl, go on a beer run, start a second half box pool among your guests, whatever it takes. I know we can do this, people.”

When asked if the Black Eyed Peas would play “My Humps,” Goodell sighed deeply and ran his hands through his hair nervously. “Look, I don’t like this any more than you do,” he said, before trailing off mumbling.

Goodell then ceded the podium to Black Eyed Peas frontman, who screamed “LOUDER!” into the microphone, while his bandmate, Fergie, writhed in an unappealing, grotesque parody of feminine sexuality, until all reporters fled from the room, blood pouring from their ears and eyes.