The Quantum World of Sarah Palin

quantumpalin.jpgI have to say, again, I don’t understand how anyone could think that my words could incite anyone to violence. And anyone who uses words to suggest otherwise is just going to incite violence.

How could my words have no effect while others’ have enormous impact? Perhaps you think that makes no sense, and you’d be right–in your world. But where I live, there is no such thing as contradiction.

The Sarah Palin you see on TV is actually an extremely sophisticated holographic magnification. In truth, I am extremely tiny. Slightly larger than one Planck length, actually. By your standards, I am almost infinitesimally small, and exist in a subatomic universe far beyond your power to comprehend. I use quarks for furniture! In a house that’s tucked into a curled dimension you have yet to discover!

Things happen in my world that are inconceivable in yours. A single particle can travel on multiple trajectories simultaneously. Objects fall upward and sideways without any regard for gravity–although directional concepts like “upward” and “sideways” have little meaning here. And I can make statements that directly contradict each other, sometimes within the span of one sentence, and not actually contradict myself.

I can also suggest things in the minds of my listeners, like “Obama’s a scary black guy!” or “they’re gonna kill your grandma!” without actually saying them, and being able to paint anyone who suggests otherwise as a PC liberal elitist. It’s pretty neat, not having to live by the rules everyone else does!

What’s the best part about living in a world that operates on quantum mechanics? Sometimes it’s the sheer unpredictability. Sometimes it’s exploring all the dozens of different planes of existence that can’t be perceived by “normal” sized people; I’ve lost track of how many there are! And sometimes it’s the ability to alter reality to suit my needs on a moment-by-moment basis. 

By the way, the string theory is totally wrong. And it’s totally right. How is that possible? It isn’t! But it is! Sorry if that goes over your heads. You wouldn’t get it unless you were at my tiny, tiny level.