Sean from Massapequa: Ollie and Manny, Together Again for the First Time

I often write about the Mets on this site, but I realize that my perspective is not necessarily that of the average fan. So as the Hot Stove League heats up, I want to get the viewpoint of another Amazins enthusiast. Today Scratchbomb welcomes back Sean from Massapequa, a union pipefitter and frequent WFAN caller, to discuss the Mets’ latest free agent recruits.

seanfrommassapequa.jpgNow that Derek Lowe has gone to the Braves, it seems the Mets have their sights on reacquiring Oliver Perez.

Yes, and I have my sight set on constructing an incendiary advice to hurl at CitiField. This team drives me nuts, chasin after bums like Oliver Perez. Sick to my stomach just thinkin about it.

Who do you think they should sign instead, Ben Sheets?

Sign somebody, sign anybody! I’m sick to death of no news! Checkin the papers, listening to Francesa, day after day, nothin! It’s January and I got snow pilin up in my driveway and my Chevy won’t start and I got my wife bustin my hump about fixin up the dining room. I need some baseball news, goddammit, or I swear to god I’m goin postal! Again.

I don’t think the Mets should sign a pitcher indiscriminately just because you’re having a tough time.

Buddy, a tough time is like “Wah, I stubbed my toe, I’m havin a bad hair day!” What I’m goin through right now is Normandy. My boss is workin my last nerve, the boiler’s actin up again, and Jesus Christ, you shoulda seen the piece a work my oldest brought home the other day. This guy looked like a reject from Tool Academy. Wore sunglasses indoors, at night, in January. Enough gel in his hair to kill a horse. God, I wanted to smack this mook so hard. Smack him right in the brain…

So you don’t care who the Mets as long as they sign somebody, but you don’t want them to sign Oliver Perez.

At this point, I’d love it if they signed Ollie, because then at least I’d have somethin else to piss me off and break up the monotony. I ain’t had nothin to get real mad at since a coupla weeks ago, when I threw a brick at some Eagles fan in the Giants Stadium parking lot.

A brick of what?

A brick of brick, what else? How else do you expect me the break the guy’s jaw?

Wow. How are you not in jail?

The guy was wearin a McNabb jersey just minutes after they eliminated Big Blue from the playoffs. The balls on that prick! Even if I’da gotten caught, no jury in the country woulda convicted me.

I’m kind of afraid to ask this, but what do you think of Manny Ramirez? There seem to be a lot of fans who want him on the team, but the front office hasn’t given any indication that they’re going to pursue him. Where do you stand on the issue?

Wilpons, Omar, get this man on this team! He means the difference between a World Series title and me hunting you down for sport!

I’m surprised. I didn’t think you’d be pro-Manny.

Why not? The man is an RBI machine. A machine!

Sure, of course, I just…he doesn’t seem like your kind of player.

What do you mean, the clubhouse stuff? Everyone says he’s no good in the clubhouse, but that didn’t mean too much when he was winnin in Cleveland and Boston and LA.

No, I meant…well, every time I talk to you, you yell at the Mets for pursuing certain types of players.

Yeah, bums. They’re always goin after bums and stiffs cuz they’re cheap, when they should be goin after the big fish like Manny.

Okay, it’s just that every other time I’ve talked to you, you’ve accused the Mets of only signing Hispanic players.

What?! I never said that!

Maybe you’ve never said those exact words, but you’ve implied it heavily.

I’m really hurt! You make me sound like some kinda racist or somethin!

Maybe I misinterpreted what you said. If so, I apologize. That was unfair of me.

Now, if Omar turns around and signs Pedro again, you’ll know it’s just cuz he’s lookin out for his fellow you-know-whats.

Very nice. Thanks for completely confirming my earlier suspicions about you.

Don’t mention it.