Thanks for tuning in to this week’s edition Extreme Makeover: Home Edition . Boy, that sure was an inspiring story. I bet that little girl’s plucky
battle against diabetes, arthritis, and attention deficit disorder totally made you feel like crap. If so, we’re always looking for needy families to help out. If you think you fit the bill, drop us a line or send us an email.

But don’t bother to contact us if you’re just poor. We don’t build houses for people just because they can’t afford them. Who do you think we are, Jimmy Carter? We can’t build an hour-long narrative around poverty! Plus, you probably deserve to be homeless anyway.

We’re looking for families full of heart-tugging tragedy. But make sure you haven’t lost your upbeat spirit. We don’t put people on TV who are all mopey just because they’ve been struck with a fatal disease.

Cancer’s good. Leukemia’s even better, ’cause it sounds scary. If you have cancer and are a veteran, that’s great; not a Vietnam vet, though, ’cause we assume they’re all drug addicts. If you have a child with a disease that confines him or her to a wheelchair, that’s fantastic, especially if the wheelchair has wacky flags and bumper stickers all over it.

You know what’d be great? If we had recently separated Siamese twins! Yeah, and then we’d totally have to build more rooms, ’cause it’s like the family just got a new kid. Hey, one of you interns, call up all the hospitals in the state. See if there’s any recently conjoined twins out there! C’mon, let’s make this happen!

Oh, and while you’re at it, call up the maternity wards and see if there’s been any kids who were born with a major organ on the outside of their bodies. That shit would be gold!

We’d also like to ask people to stop trying to acquire debilitating illnesses in order to get on the show. We’ve received reports of people ingesting mercury in the hopes of acquiring a neurological disease. We don’t tolerate cheaters on Extreme Makeover , folks. You’ll just have to pray and hope the Good Lord sees fit to blight you with a horrible medical condition.

Next week, we build a house for family with a little boy so sick that just hearing about his disease could kill you!